Pretzel City:

I just spent $20 to have a giant soft pretzel (aptly titled The Big Show) delivered to my apartment like I’m freakin’ Howard Hughes. The pretzel is flanked with three different dipping sauces, which is intended to give you the illusion of luxury and control of your life and circumstances. 

Unfortunately, waves of self loathing over my extravagant and wasteful behavior crashed over me after my first bite of lukewarm pretzel. It took the pretzel nearly two hours to find its way to my house, giving me too much time to think. 

I hope I make better choices tomorrow.

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i don’t feel tardy

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My life now:

Getting recognized in a Taco Bell parking lot for being on Fox News.

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Protected: you can use these tears as a lubricant if you want:

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where i’m calling from:


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mystery dinner

You can still keep things ultra spicy even if you have a geriatric stove that no longer has legible temperature control units because:

1: my cooking style is analogous to my romance style: INTUITIVE & RECKLESS

2: The only temperature setting in the Deckard kitchen is 🔥🔥🔥

Please check the comments if you don’t care for dangerous dinners & prefer your mysteries solved.🔎🍛

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World News Now: Dog Sells Adderal

Fell asleep to a news report about the increased rates of dogs being prescribed antidepressants and woke up a couple hours later panicking about the state of Oliver’s interior life. Wondering how long it will take for hyperactive dogs to be prescribed Adderal and how much longer until they’re selling it to their friends.

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