Title

There are some doors that are better off remaining closed, locked from both sides.

Whoever might still be around to read this: Still alive, somehow better than I have ever been.

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Saturday, July 1st, 2017

My aunt messages and tells me to have my mom call her right away– My uncle and cousin have been killed in a plane crash. They were on their way to a fishing trip in Canada when their small plane rapidly descended in Catawba, Wisconsin. The news site reporting the crash said that 35 cheeseburgers and cheese curds were sent to the scene. The community wanted to rally around the firefighters. The passengers and body of the plane were found scattered around highway 111.

I try calling my parents phone numbers. I nervously pace around my apartment, frantically trying to call them. After an hour, I finally get through.

Breaking the news– telling my mother that her brother and nephew are dead is as awful as you think it is. Telling a woman, who is currently taking care of her husband, who has just battled liver cancer and is waiting for the call for a new liver is as awful as you think it is.

I take Oliver for a walk.

I scrub my kitchen floor on my hands and knees with a sponge.

I lay in bed and read a book.

I look up the news footage and sit through an ad, waiting to find out more details about what happened to my family. 6 people total, dead. Names are not yet being released.

I decide to get out of my apartment and go to Martha’s Vineyard to buy some eggs and try to act like normal human being for a minute.

As I’m sitting at the red light of Union and Fulton, I see a plane descending as it lands at GRR– all it’s passengers safe & sound.

The man with the ponytail ringing up my dozen eggs & can of Dr. Pepper asks how my night is going. I say “pretty good.”

As I’m walking to my car, a small plane flies overhead as fireworks pop and explode and glitter in the sky underneath it.

Mesmerized, I drive towards the fireworks as they increase in intensity. The finale is upon us– it’s 11 o’clock.

I start to make my way home. Stray fireworks explode here and there as people try to find ways to express their jubilation for the long weekend.

 

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Condition: asshole

I didn’t even realize I was an introvert until I read an article on the internet about introverts and then I took an online quiz confirming the diagnosis.

It’s very chic to be an introvert but it will not stop people from thinking you’re a B-I-T-C-H bitch because you don’t want to seem disingenuous/feel weird saying “I love you too” to the girl you serve vodka sodas to on the reg.

I don’t love you.

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Pretzel City:

I just spent $20 to have a giant soft pretzel (aptly titled The Big Show) delivered to my apartment like I’m freakin’ Howard Hughes. The pretzel is flanked with three different dipping sauces, which is intended to give you the illusion of luxury and control of your life and circumstances. 

Unfortunately, waves of self loathing over my extravagant and wasteful behavior crashed over me after my first bite of lukewarm pretzel. It took the pretzel nearly two hours to find its way to my house, giving me too much time to think. 

I hope I make better choices tomorrow.

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For my Dad:

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My life now:

Getting recognized in a Taco Bell parking lot for being on Fox News.

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where i’m calling from:

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mystery dinner

   
You can still keep things ultra spicy even if you have a geriatric stove that no longer has legible temperature control units because:

1: my cooking style is analogous to my romance style: INTUITIVE & RECKLESS

2: The only temperature setting in the Deckard kitchen is 🔥🔥🔥

Please check the comments if you don’t care for dangerous dinners & prefer your mysteries solved.🔎🍛

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World News Now: Dog Sells Adderal

Fell asleep to a news report about the increased rates of dogs being prescribed antidepressants and woke up a couple hours later panicking about the state of Oliver’s interior life. Wondering how long it will take for hyperactive dogs to be prescribed Adderal and how much longer until they’re selling it to their friends.

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Do you know who you are?

  

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